5 Questions Men Hate The Most - How To Answer Them

QUESTION #1: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you".

The true answer, is one of the following:

1. Football.

2. Sex.

3. How fat you are.

4. How much prettier she is than you.

5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #2: DO YOU LOVE ME?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in "Yes, dear". 

Inappropriate responses include:

1. Oh Yeah, shit loads.

2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

3. That depends on what you mean by love.

4. Does it matter?

5. Who? Me?

QUESTION #3: DO I LOOK FAT?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

1. Compared to what? (A beached whale)

2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

3. A little extra weight looks good on you.

4. I've seen fatter.

5. Could you repeat the question?

I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: DO YOU THINK

SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

1. Yes, but you have a better personality.

2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

3. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.

4. Define pretty.

5. Could you repeat the question?

I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTON #5: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED?

A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and Boat". No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?

Man: Definitely not!

Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Man: Of course I do.

Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

Woman: You would? (WITH A

HURTFUL LOOK ON HER FACE)

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

Man: Where else would we sleep?

Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

Woman: ---silence---

Man: Shit.